Concessions for Female Pastors: A Modest Proposal

"But women will be saved through childbearing." - Paul (1 Timothy 2:15)

A few weeks after our first Sunday

I am a female pastor. I have two kids. On our first official Sunday at our church, my son was two and I was roughly six months pregnant with my daughter. I was pretty shocked that a church would want to hire not only a female pastor, but an extremely pregnant one at that. I mean, at practically our first board meeting, we had to create the first ever maternity leave policy for the church! Who wants that kind of headache?

At every step of the way, though, I've been surprised by my church's generosity. They have welcomed us with open arms. All of us. Our tantrums, our diaper blowouts, our pinkeye and stomach flu, our exhaustion--everything that comes with a family with young children. They haven't pressured me to fit into some kind of pre-ordained pastoral mold of keeping specific office hours or pretending like I don't know whose kid is screaming his head off on the front row.

I've wondered at that, but I have a hypothesis about their welcome. We live in farm country, where children still help out around the farm and teenagers still babysit to make extra money. One person after another told me how wonderful it was that I could stay home with my kids.

I, myself, have not so seamlessly adapted to the role of stay-at-home-mom. Faithful readers of this blog will not be surprised to hear it. I have a college degree and a masters. I am well-educated to venture forth into the world and earn a living, right alongside my male colleagues. I studied and worked with my husband before and after we got married. I am still reeling from the shock of graduating, having a baby, and quitting my job in the space of a few months. His life continued on much the same as before: get up, go to work, come home, spend time with the people he shares life with. Mine on the other hand stopped all at once: no more school, no job, and this tiny baby that was both overwhelming and kind of boring. What was I supposed to do with myself? Cook, clean, change diapers, and coo at the baby? I had no idea!

I grew up in a world where someone at some point told me that women can do anything men can do, and I accepted that without question. Of course they can. Why not? Is that something that even needs to be said anymore?

We are one of the only countries in the world that has no mandated paid maternity leave. Why is that? My speculation is because of our eager acceptance of the equality of men and women. Babies are this kind of awkward side thing that no one really knows what to do with. Men and women work side by side in factories and offices, doing the same job, at the same level of quality, for the same pay (in theory). We become faceless, sexless machines. Babies throw a wrench in the machinery that maybe we prefer to ignore.

I've struggled at times with feeling like a failure because of my inability to rejoin the machine. Why can't I produce quality content at the same level and quantity as my male counterparts? How can the people around me tolerate the seemingly endless list of things I'm not getting done?

Ironically, I've found solace in Paul's words. "Women will be saved through childbearing." Now, I haven't done any research to make this connection, but I wonder if Paul is drawing on Talmudic tradition (or at least the same sources), which states:

"...and all positive, time-bound commandments, men are obligated [in] and women are exempt [from]." (Kiddushin, page 29a)

There was a recognition in Jewish tradition that women simply could not perform all of the mitzvot required by the Torah. For one thing, women are unclean for one week out of every month. But then you add into that babies who need to be fed and cared for and the care of children and other household duties, and some things just have to get done now. They can't be put off to perform a religious duty. The expectation, then, was that women fulfill the obligations of Torah around the schedule of their other familial obligations.*

Paul's words and their connection to the traditions of Judaism have comforted me--on Sundays when I was preaching on a few hours of sleep and hoping my words made some sense, on weekdays when my to-do list didn't get done, in conversations when everyone around me seemed to be so much more competent at their jobs. Jewish and Christian tradition recognize that there are seasons in life when it gets really difficult to fulfill all the obligations of Torah, and that's okay. It will not cost me my membership in the kingdom of God.

The next generation: future pastors? farmers? Who knows?

Fortunately, I am in a place where babies are loved, where pregnant women are celebrated, not discreetly avoided. I am in a place where the family life and the working life go hand in hand. Children mean a future for family-owned farms. They are the next generation to keep the work going. They are celebrated and cared for by the whole family.

But I haven't found quite the same welcome when I've ventured outside our little farming community.

The subtle message I've received in various forms has been something along the lines of, "Do you think the rules don't apply to you?"

Well, actually, yes. Yes, I do. Because as a woman, I'm saved through childbearing, not by fulfilling the obligations of Torah. (Thank you very much, Paul!)

Or maybe a little more appropriate response is something like, I get it. I get the rules. I get the policies that exist to promote accountability and participation. I get their importance. But I am longing for some grace, to be seen as more than a faceless machine that is required to perform a certain amount of tasks in a certain amount of time to be worthy of participation in the kingdom of God.

Sadly, I've known women who just opted out. The time-bound commandments were too much for the season of life they were in.

Here is my proposal:

Let's learn from the traditions of Judaism, from the words of Paul, and from the example of my farming community. Children are our future, and mothers are in the best place to teach them about a church that celebrates and cares for them. Mothers who pastor are the best chance we have to raise a generation of both women and men who know without question that anyone called by God to ministry can say yes to that call without fear of rejection by the church. For the sake of the future of our church, let's let go of some of the time-bound commandments and give the women who are leading our churches and simultaneously raising the next generation some help. Here are some quick suggestions. (I'm sure that those of you who have been pastors and mothers for longer than I have can share some other suggestions.)

1. Plan ahead. With kids, everything takes longer. Plan ahead when you have a deadline you want your pastor to meet. A reference letter, a scholarship form, an essay contribution, church reports. I was the person who started my papers at 8pm when they were due at midnight, but I can't do that anymore. I need to know in advance what will be expected of me and when, so I can make a plan to complete my work around naps, doctor appointments, play dates, mealtimes, and all that other stuff that comes with children.

2. Provide as much free childcare and/or discounts as possible. Every board meeting my husband and I attend costs us money in babysitting. Our few dates are to conferences, and our vacations are to district assembly and pastors' retreat because those eat up our babysitting budget for the year. We are fortunate to have a really awesome, affordable babysitter (hey-o Phoebe!), but there are plenty of events we don't even consider attending because the cost of the event increases out of our price range by the additional cost of childcare. Don't fear some sort of snowball effect that everyone will try to get in on this. The years of caring for small children are relatively short. Offer some tangible support to women taking on this important task while also serving as ministers.

3. Talk about maternity leave. I'm not sure how this suggestion will be received, but even if you're a male pastor, take some time to work with your church board to create a maternity leave policy for your church. Admittedly, most women do not accept their first pastorate when they are six months pregnant, but what a gift that would be to have that in place before a female pastor is ever called.

4. Listen. Listen to women. Listen to mothers. Listen to men who have witnessed the challenges faced by their wives. I think I'm finally out of the haze, but I was really tired for a long time after my second child was born. I desperately needed someone to really hear me when I said that something was hard for me to do. If you have a female pastor with children, listen when they say they can't come to a Sunday afternoon meeting. When a woman pursuing religious education or a ministerial license inexplicably just stops meeting deadlines, listen to what's going on in her life. Maybe the time-bound commandments got to be too much, but that doesn't mean that God hasn't called her and that the church doesn't need her voice.

I have been encouraged by the advocacy I've seen for female pastors in our church. I'm really proud to be part of a church that is doing everything we can to make sure that all people, male and female, are empowered to say yes to God's call on their life. But I think we can do more. I think we can take some more steps to open the door to women today and in generations to come.

Attempting to get a decent picture on Easter Sunday

*[Note: There are lots of resources about the role of women in traditional Judaism (which, of course, also varied depending on era and culture). I won't delve into that here except to say that it was and is complicated, including some really positive traditions and some other not-so-great traditions. And Christianity has certainly followed in that complicated path.]