Prayers of the Heart

"'Matthew ten, verse twenty-nine: Not one sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it.'

'But the sparrow still falls.'" - Mary Doria Russell, The Sparrow

I'm a pastor, so maybe I'm not supposed to say these things, but sometimes I wonder what God is doing. Every day, I encounter a world that is broken. Every day, sparrows fall. Sometimes the body count is overwhelming.

I was reading a devotion this week on the story in Luke 7 where a woman "who lived a sinful life" came to a dinner party thrown on Jesus' behalf and washed his feet with her tears and then poured perfume on them. The man who threw the party was a Pharisee named Simon, and when he saw this, he thought to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is--that she is a sinner." (Luke 7:39)

The devotion asked two questions: Are you more like the sinful woman, throwing yourself at the feet of Jesus or the Pharisee, looking on? And, the second question, where is Jesus in this story?

I thought I knew the story. After all, I'm a pastor. I know all these stories. In fact, I recently wrote a reflection on this same incident as told in the Gospel of John. But I decided to play along and go read the story and see where Jesus was.

The answer to both questions hit me like a ton of bricks.

Because let me tell you, I am the Pharisee. I am looking around at a lost and broken world. Sure people are throwing themselves on God's mercy, but I am saying to myself, "Doesn't God know what's going on? Doesn't he see what's happening here?"

There are an awful lot of sparrows falling to the ground. There are a lot of people living lives headed towards destruction, and they are harming the people around them left and right.

ISIS militants are intentionally bombing hospitals in Syria in order to kill as many people as possible at once and to prevent others who are injured from receiving medical care.

Participants in the network of human trafficking all around the world are buying and selling people, kidnapping children from their families or orphans off the street, making promises of good jobs to people living in poverty, and then trafficking these children and adults all over the world to buy and sell--for sex, for unpaid labor, as soldiers in bloody wars.

Broken people are abusing their own children, the children of family members and friends, children that they coach and guide, leaving destruction in their wake as they go from one innocent victim to another.

Doesn't God know? Can't he see?

But the question hits even closer to home. I'm a pastor. Maybe I can't stop suicide bombers or human traffickers in Europe and Asia, but at least I can do something in my community. After all, sparrows are falling here too. People around me are hurting and broken. If I just pray the right prayer, Jesus will look down at the sinful woman weeping at his feet, and say, "Stop it! Just stop it! You are destroying your own life with your actions. You are destroying the people around you. Stop living like you are! Get yourself together and come ready to participate in this dinner like a civilized person."

And so I pray. I pray for people who are lost. I pray that God would keep me on the straight and narrow. I do my religious duty. I write and preach my sermons. I wrangle my children into their fancy clothes to go sit in church week after week. I read my Bible and my devotional book. I do all the right things. I throw a party every Sunday morning and invite Jesus to attend.

But then right in the middle of my party, I look around at a world full of falling sparrows, and my heart despairs. Is this Jesus truly who he says he is? Why doesn't he seem to know what's going on in our world? Why doesn't he seem to care?

Did I mention that I'm a pastor? These aren't questions I'm supposed to ask. So I don't ask them. They may be in my heart, but I'm certainly not going to stand up on Sunday morning and ask them! I'm not even going to ask them as I do my duty, as I prepare my sermons and do the work of the church. Some questions just aren't appropriate for people in certain positions to ask. Positions like Pharisee. Or pastor.

Where was Jesus?

He was right beside Simon. He was listening to the questions on his mind, the prayers of his heart.

The next verse says, "Jesus answered him." Simon's words were not in the form of a question, nor were they directed to Jesus. But Jesus knew the prayers of Simon's heart and he answered them.

He said, "Simon, I have something to tell you."

These words breathed new life into my heart this week. Even when I don't ask the questions, Jesus has something to tell me.

Speak, Lord. Your servant is listening.

What are you doing? Where are you? Do you see what's happening? Do you see all these sparrows falling?

Speak, Lord. Your servant is listening.

What about the people in our community? The people in our church? Do you see their pain? Do you see their brokenness? Do you know what they're going through?

Speak, Lord. Your servants are listening.

We want to hear from you. We want to hear you speak in our language so that we may understand. We want to hear good news.

There are some questions that we are too afraid to ask. There are some questions that we are too afraid to even admit to ourselves. But even if we never say them out loud, Jesus knows the prayers of our hearts. And he has something he wants to say to us.

Speak, Lord. Your servants are listening.