The Affair with the Water Department

"'That is sufficient, sir. I have heard of you. Go to the First Auditor of the Treasury.'

I did so. He sent me to the Second Auditor. The Second Auditor sent me to the Third, and the Third sent me to the First comptroller of the Corn-Beef Division. This began to look business. He examined his books and all his loose papers, but found no minute of the beef contract. I went to the Second Comptroller of the Corn-Beef Division. He examined his books and his loose papers, but with no success. I was encouraged. During that week I got as far as the Sixth Comptroller in that division; the next week I got through the Claims Department; the third week I began and completed the Mislaid Contracts Department, and got a foothold in the Dead Reckoning Department.

..." - Mark Twain, The Facts in the Great Beef Contract

On the evening of June 21, 2013, Mike and I observed the arrival of a Utilities Locating Services employee at our house. He parked in front and walked immediately to the backyard, where he began spray painting our grass, trees and flowers. He painted green arrows, blue boxes, and orange lines. After he departed, we went out to inspect his diagram.

"The sewer company is going to dig up our yard again" was all Mike had to say about that.

Last year the sewer department replaced ten feet of pipe that had collapsed and the employee overseeing the repair observed that the next segment of pipe would probably collapse soon. He hoped to stay long enough to replace the next segment too but was called to another job.

Apparently the predicted collapse had occurred.

On the morning of June 22, 2013 a crew from the sewer department parked their trucks in front of our house and walked around to the back yard to prepare their attack on the offending sewer pipe. They looked at the green arrows and the orange line. They stood around the blue rectangle.

Mike remembered that first attempts from last year's crew had yielded no pipe and that they had been forced to take down the fence in our back yard and dig there. He informed the sewer department crew of this history, but of course they had no authority to deviate from the green arrows, orange lines, and blue rectangle.

We left home to run some errands and returned to find the entire crew standing around a giant hole, looking somewhat discouraged. They had missed the pipe. The blue rectangle had led them astray.

That afternoon we left for St. Louis with promises from the head of the crew that their work would be finished by the end of the day and that our yard would be back to its previous state of healthy green grass by Monday morning.

When we got home Sunday evening, we found a large hole, covered with sheets of plywood, surrounded by cones and caution tape. Next to the hole was an equally large pile of dirt and a backhoe.

No one came on Monday, but some crews work Tuesday through Friday, so we waited.

No one came on Tuesday.

On Wednesday, June 26, 2013, Mike called the water department to ask about the plans for the hole in our back yard. They informed him that they were unaware of a hole and promised they would send an inspector to verify our complaint.

No one came on Thursday or Friday.

On Monday, July 1, 2013, Mike received a call from the water department asking if we live at 5200 Broadmoor Street. He informed them that we do not live at 5200 Broadmoor Street. The employee informed Mike that the aforementioned backhoe was at 5200 Broadmoor Street, and that since we did not live at 5200 Broadmoor Street, there could not possibly be a backhoe in our backyard. Mike informed him that there was, in fact, a backhoe in our back yard. The employee responded, sounding rather irritated, that he would have to send another inspector to our location to verify the presence of the backhoe.

On Wednesday, July 3, 2013, we left home again for a few weeks. The hole, pile of dirt, cones (labeled KCWW: Kansas City Water Works), and backhoe were still in our back yard. At 11:30am, Mike received an update to his open case with the city water department. It read, "Informed homeowner that there is no backhoe in his back yard. Case closed."

Mike promptly called the water department to reopen his case. The receptionist looked at his case and let him know that there was definitely not a backhoe in our back yard. Since this did not satisfy Mike, she informed him that if he would like to reopen his case, they would need to send an inspector to the site. She asked if he lived at 5200 Broadmoor Street. She said there was a note on his case that the backhoe he claimed was in our back yard was actually at 5200 Broadmoor Street. She suggested that it might be helpful to change our address.

Mike once again described the hole, pile of dirt, cones, and backhoe, including the id number and gave her our address. She promised to send an inspector.

"He took [my papers], and for a long time he ransacked his odds and ends. Finally he found the Northwest Passage, as I regarded it--he found the long-lost record of that beef contract--he found the rock upon which so many of my ancestors had split before they ever got to it. I was deeply moved. And yet I rejoiced--for I had survived."

On July 10, 2013, one of our neighbors called to report the arrival of a crew from the sewer department in our back yard.

We returned home on July 14, 2013. Our grass was gone. Our tree was mangled. Our retaining wall was put back together in a way that resulted in an extra brick. But the hole, the cones, the pile of dirt, and the backhoe were all gone.

We don't know if they ever fixed or even found the collapsed sewer pipe, but at least we weren't forced to sell a city-owned backhoe on Craig's List. And we survived.

"We do things by routine here. You have followed the routine and found out what you wanted to know. It is the best way. It is the only way. It is very regular, and very slow, but it is very certain."

I think someone at the Kansas City Water Department has been reading Mark Twain.